Failing Forward...in Motherhood

As we walked around Disneyland yesterday I couldn't help but notice all the teenagers there, I had to laugh, remembering my visit in 7th grade.  I went with three or four girlfriends and we reapplied powder and lipstick after each ride!!!!!  And stopped by the bathroom to check out the mirrors every 30 minutes!!!!!  Now I'm lucky to have any makeup on when I get there, much less when I leave, haha.  Then I started thinking, that will be Abby in 5 years!!  Oh my gosh, she is going to ask us to go to Disneyland with her friends, and then her boyfriends...STOP TIME!!!  I mentioned it to Matt and he said he had thought of the same thing...the worries of a parent in Southern California!

Sometimes it is so hard to savor the little moments when they do stupid things back to back that make you so mad.  You wish they were older so they would know better or things would be easier, but the truth is, it isn't going to get easier, my Mom problems will just change.

This morning, I read about trust and how you can gain it or lose it over time.  We earn our children's trust throughout their childhood.  All the times we say I'll be there, or I love you or if you do this, I'll do that, they remember.  So all of those times I say hold on, or yeah, yeah, I'll be right there, they learn.  They learn that I am busy doing something else.  They learn that they are not my first priority at that moment.  And in an instant I realized I am not the Mom I want to be.  I have SO FAR to go. Being present is so difficult, especially in this day and age of Social Media.

My worst fear is being a bad Mom, but as long as I realize that I am not being my best and try to change and improve, I think that makes me a good Mom.  It's failing forward, right?  None of us are perfect and honestly, being a Mom is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.  And it is at the hardest times I want to run out of the house, and maybe never come back, BUT, I waited so long to stay home with my kids and now that I am, I need to enjoy what I worked so hard for.  I AM LUCKY!!!!!  So, I'Il count my blessings...

So, I set an alarm to make SURE we read together every night.  For some reason this is really hard for me.  Maybe it is because I do it by myself every night since Matt is working.  But that isn't the pint, it isn't getting done and I feel like that is an easy thing I can do for the girls.  So at 6:45, when my alarm went off, I remembered why we don't read every night, lol.  First they meander upstairs while I try to finish up dishes.  Then it takes 30 minutes to get jammies on and teeth brushed between nursing the baby and putting him down and the girls running back and forth thru the house like wild banshees.  Then, by the time they crawl into bed and collectively decide on a book, I am exhausted from herding them and usually upset because they aren't listening and I don't even want to read anymore!  Not to mention it is past their bedtime!  Tonight I forced myself to stay.  As I sat and read the Christmas story (yes it's March - don't ask) my heart softened and I realized how precious this time with them was.  One sitting on my lap, the other curled around my right side, and all of a sudden, I loved them more than I ever had before.  Then Curious George came out.  It's one of Sydney's favorites and one of my least favorites...the Colors one with a bunch of pictures on each page for you to name over and over again, yeah super boring.  Sydney excitedly named everything that Abby pointed to and I watched their faces light up and as much as I despise the book, my heart was happy.  In the blink of an eye, they won't be crawling up on my lap anymore to listen to me read or ask me to sing to them, they will be asking for the keys and running out the door!

Savor these moments, soak them in.  Be present.  Love them.  Forgive them  Forgive yourself.  Fail forward.